Baby Losses

Since becoming pregnant, I've added a new time-waster to my daily routine: reading a pregnancy message board that hosts women due in September. I've not had a lot of close friends go through pregnancy, and I'm always self-conscious about being too obsessed with the pregnancy. So most afternoons I'll log on, read, and give in to the joy of "Waiting for Labor Day" (as the board is called). A lot of people warn against this because misinformation or unnecessary worry can come from it. But mostly, it just makes me feel better to hear other pregnant women vent the same concerns that I have and hear veteran moms respond. I don't ever post -- I lurk. But it's a strange kind of comfort.

I don't think I've been caused much unnecessary angst from reading this board -- I know pretty well everything to worry about anyway. The only hard thing has been watching several women now post about miscarriages. It's not something I've ever had to support someone through, and I can imagine now just how difficult it must be. The thing that scares me though is that most of these women made it, in a sense, to the end of their first Trimester. They wouldn't have any cramping or bleeding, and then they'd go in for a doctor's appointment and find no heartbeat. An ultrasound would show that the fetus had been dead for a week or two with no indicators. That's what scares me. If I had some sign, some warning, some sense of foreboding, it might ease the situation. But to be blindsided like that might mortally wound me. I have a midwife's appointment Thursday, and I can't help but worry. My last appointment was at 11 weeks, and most of these women miscarried at 10, but a week or two here or there doesn't really make a difference when it comes to something like this.

I know that even after 15 weeks and 20 weeks and even at 40 weeks things can wrong. I'm trying to focus on the positive, but I don't want to be blind to the reality of how much has to go right, by the grace of God, for a healthy baby to be born. And yet what's most amazing is, I wouldn't trade this worry for anything right now.