The Warp in the Wall

The building that Wes and I live in is pretty soundproof. The building is cement, so we rarely get noise from other floors, and on our own floor, the only noise we get is what we hear through the front door. Since our bedroom is at the back of the apartment, we usually don't hear anything once we go to bed at night. But for the past few months we've noticed a strange phenomenon. There's some kind of warp in the wall to one of our neighbor's apartments. There are no shared vents or anything, so I'm not sure how we hear this so well. And we only hear it late at night or early morning when the rest of the building is really quiet. Occassionally we hear a person talking, but usually nothing else.

Last night as we were falling asleep, I noticed the sound of a baby fussing. Then, when I woke up this morning around 6am, I heard it again and then later heard some cooing. It sounded like a baby that was a few months old, but not too old. We couldn't hear parents, just the baby. It was funny lying there in bed hearing this. It was like, "Wait. I can't feel the baby move yet, but I can hear it!"

It's moments like these that I've tried to enjoy. Soon, that will be us -- but not yet. For now, we get to stay comfortably in bed while someone else takes care of their baby. There was something terribly heartwarming, though, snuggled up next to my husband in the wee hours of the morning, listening to our future.

Dear Husband Part 15

I am a rule follower. Everyone that knows me knows that. I don't like breaking rules. It makes me ghastly uncomfortable. I have deep, serious guilt.

Wes is in general law-abiding, but he's willing to take liberties now and then if it seems worth it. And today, it seemed worth it to him to escort me into the EDOU and use the ultrasound machine to look at the baby. He hasn't been able to come to the last two appointments because of work, plus he's desperate to find out the gender. So there I was, laying on a bed in the EDOU with my pants unzipped so Wes could take a peek. It was exciting, I'll admit, though I couldn't see very well because of the positioning of the bed and the machine. Wes grinned through the whole thing. He easily saw the heartbeat and turned on the doppler to hear it. We could see the head and the spine and limbs. Right now, the fetus is upside down, with head down towards my pelvis. Wes kept marveling at how much it was moving around and was amazed that I couldn't feel anything (I am only 15 week, though). He also said the placenta was quite large, which is good and probably also explains why I don't feel it very much.

All in all, I think it was a liberty worth taking. Nothing is as gratifying as watching your husband and the father of your child smile endlessly while seeing his son or daughter dancing in your belly.

Alive and Well

I had an appointment with my midwife today, and everything looks great. We heard the heartbeat the moment she put the doppler on my abdomen, and she said the heartbeat was strong, in the right range, and my fundus was in the right spot. Mmmhmm. Okay. Way to go, fundus.

Next up is the ultrasound in late April, followed by an appointment that same afternoon with her, at which point we'll start talking about things like childbirth classes and the like. And since we'll know the gender then, Wes and I can start looking seriously at some purchases.

Baby Losses

Since becoming pregnant, I've added a new time-waster to my daily routine: reading a pregnancy message board that hosts women due in September. I've not had a lot of close friends go through pregnancy, and I'm always self-conscious about being too obsessed with the pregnancy. So most afternoons I'll log on, read, and give in to the joy of "Waiting for Labor Day" (as the board is called). A lot of people warn against this because misinformation or unnecessary worry can come from it. But mostly, it just makes me feel better to hear other pregnant women vent the same concerns that I have and hear veteran moms respond. I don't ever post -- I lurk. But it's a strange kind of comfort.

I don't think I've been caused much unnecessary angst from reading this board -- I know pretty well everything to worry about anyway. The only hard thing has been watching several women now post about miscarriages. It's not something I've ever had to support someone through, and I can imagine now just how difficult it must be. The thing that scares me though is that most of these women made it, in a sense, to the end of their first Trimester. They wouldn't have any cramping or bleeding, and then they'd go in for a doctor's appointment and find no heartbeat. An ultrasound would show that the fetus had been dead for a week or two with no indicators. That's what scares me. If I had some sign, some warning, some sense of foreboding, it might ease the situation. But to be blindsided like that might mortally wound me. I have a midwife's appointment Thursday, and I can't help but worry. My last appointment was at 11 weeks, and most of these women miscarried at 10, but a week or two here or there doesn't really make a difference when it comes to something like this.

I know that even after 15 weeks and 20 weeks and even at 40 weeks things can wrong. I'm trying to focus on the positive, but I don't want to be blind to the reality of how much has to go right, by the grace of God, for a healthy baby to be born. And yet what's most amazing is, I wouldn't trade this worry for anything right now.

Visions of a belly

• In the morning, I wake up and notice my chubby belly. Could it be that I am really pregnant, or have I just convinced myself that I am because of it this thing hanging off my midsection?
• As I dress, it asserts itself only slightly. My pants still fit, they just usually fit under the bulge.
• By lunchtime, the pants are a little uncomfortable. The belly is maleable but seems to gain heft as the day progresses.
• In the afternoon, after work, I change into some expandable pants (read: scrub bottoms Wes brough home from work for me).
• By the evening, when Wes lays his head down on it to watch basketball, I almost look pregnant and not just girthy.

Are all first-time pregnant women this amused and bemused by their waistlines?

My next appointment is Thursday, when we'll hear the heartbeat again. Then just five weeks until the show-and-tell!

Maternity Clothes Everywhere!

I have a problem. I have a gut. Not a baby belly. Not a nice little rounding of the front of my abdomen. I have a gut. I don't need maternity clothes, per se. My pants manage to stay on. It's just that the top of my pants periodically migrates south to below the gut, and since not all my shirts are extra-long, that leaves some belly exposed -- and man, it's still cold here.

So today I went out looking for something to address this issue. I went to to Gap, knowing they carried both regular and maternity clothes (and let's be honest, I wanted to look at baby clothes -- well, at least for the first time since I actually got pregnant -- but per the agreement with Wes, did not buy anything). But before I even made it to the maternity-back-of-the-store-in-the-basement area, I found out something lovely: practically every shirt Gap has made this year is a maternity shirt. It has a few buttons on top and an enormous waist area. I actually tried on one of the shirts with the baby belly available in the maternity dressing room, and it still fit!

I haven't addressed the pants issue. I figure the longer I can stay in regular pants -- even with that tube stocking thing on when it becomes absolutely necessary -- the longer I can wait to buy pants, which means we could probably get up to, hey, the 50s or 60s outside, thereby avoiding "winter pants" in maternity sizes. For now, we'll just try to disguise it in enormous shirts (but cute prints) that all the normal-size gals are wearing, too.

6 6/7 weeks and 13 2/7 weeks

For the record, I now weigh 5 lbs. less than I did at that first appointment. Evidently my body is taking years-old stores of fat from other places on my body (thighs first, please) and relocating it to my midsection. Please forgive the naked bellies. Wes prefers the au natural shot.

Boy or Girl?

We'll find out at 2 PM on Wednesday, April 30!

Books that I must have in my book collection

1. The Monster at the End of this Book
2. Mr. Brown Can Moo, Can You?
3. Everybody Poops (I mean, who doesn't want that in their collection?)
4. Amelia Bedelia books
5. Click-Clack-Moo (an anthropogical study of the labor movement among farm animals; perhaps to be followed by Animal Farm)
6. Pat the Bunny
7. But Not the Hippopotamus
8. Good Night, Gorilla (if you know my husband at all)

This does not include the many excellent books already on our shelves, including (but not limited to) Harry the Dirty Dog, The Five Chinese Brothers, Mrs. Pigglewiggle, Where the Wild Things Are, The Butter Battle Book, and other such classics.

Stuff for the Thing

Wes and I went out with a bunch of his colleagues last night, many of whom were hearing for the first time that we're expecting. People seem real excited for us -- especially those who heard me talk previously about wanting to start a family -- and tickled by the idea of Wes becoming a father. One great thing I've found about finally telling people is that I now have veteran parents whom I can poll for advice on baby purchases. There's so much stuff out there, and while Wes and I are both pretty anti-stuff, there are some basic necessities plus the kinds of things that make life easier that we'll be purchasing between now and September. Right now I'm searching online, reading product reviews, making lists. We'll wait a bit before going out to see and try anything out in person before buying, but I'm a planner and well, I don't mind this bit either. So here's my request. If you ever read this blog (since I'm finding every day that there are a lot of old friends lurking), have a kid, and have an opinion on any of the following items, please email me or post a comment with your endorsements.

1. Stroller. What we need: one stroller that can accomodate an infant through toddler, handle the wear and tear of city living and walks along the lakefront, push comfortably for people who are 5' 4" and 5' 11", and ideally, not cost more than 2 months worth of a car payment (read: I love the Bugaboo, too, but is it really worth it). What we don't want: a crappy piece of plastic that won't survive the wind or snow or sidewalks, even if it is cheap, or a "travel system" since we don't have a car.
2. Cloth Diapers. What we need to know: which brand to go with. There are a lot out there, and I think I prefer the pocket diapers. FuzziBunz and BumGenius seem to be my top two picks, and while I like the idea of a "one size" purchase with BumGenius, I'm also skeptical that is can really fit a child in that age and weight range.
3. Bouncy seat or swing. What we need to know: one, both, neither? We don't have a big space here, folks.
4. Sling or carrier. What we need to know: one, both? And for the carrier, has anyone tried the Ergo Baby Carrier?
5. Co-sleeper. What we wonder: All the older moms and dads warn against the baby sleeping in the room, but lots of younger ones, especially working moms, seem to like the convenience for a few months to help with nursing. I know the product that's most popular, but lots of people say, "The baby just ended up with us anyway." Any experiences out there?

I know there's tons of opinions and reviews online, and I'm finding them, but it's nice to have suggestions from people whom we know and who know us.

Dear Husband Part 14

Wes and I went to Target yesterday to "get stuff for the thing" (translation: craft supplies to make mock-jugular veins to insert in chopped up anatomy cadavers so medical students can learn how to put in lines -- we went with foam sheet and superglue). While standing in my own little version of heaven -- crayons, markers, pipe cleaners, sparklies, glue, and the like -- Wes smiled and said, "I'm going to have too much fun with this kind of thing. Buying arts and crafts stuff and games." Yeah, me too.

Baby names my students have submitted for consideration...

And no, they weren't joking.

Essence
Lexus
Samuri
Asia

I told them we're considering Gertrude. They didn't find that amusing.

Project Runway -- I have a request...

I've been watching Project Runway -- or reruns of it -- every season since it started. I don't have great interest in fashion, and I don't consider myself a fashion savvy individual, but I really enjoy it. I've seen all kinds of challenges -- from dressing contestants' moms to women who have lost lots of weight to designing prom dresses and wedding dressing to using food and reinventing denim.

So here's my suggestion for next season (if I didn't miss it in a previous one): maternity clothes. Find women somewhere between months 5-9 and design something that's flattering. While I'm enjoying my expanding belly, I'm realizing that not much is going to stay on very well once it gets bigger.

Telling the Girls

I shared my happy news with my students today. Here are the best/most common responses to finding out (after, usually, shrieking):

1. "I'm just so excited!" (And they really, really do seem so excited.)
2. "Are you excited?" (Yes, very.)
3. "Why didn't you tell us sooner?" (Worry, worry, worry.)
4. "What're you having?" (A baby, so far as we know.)
5. "What do you want?" (A baby, a human one, preferably of the female persuasion -- and in that order.)
6. "Did your husband know when you got pregant?" (Well, gee, it sure would've been harder if he hadn't known.)
7. "Will you name the baby after me?" (No. Actually, none of the names on our list have ever been students of mine, at least that I can remember. And at least one name I really like got cut from the list because of a student I've had. Sorry, ladies.)

Dear Husband Part 13

Wes decided that this was the morning to make lists: baby purchases, baby names, baby expenses. Included on his list of possible names: rhesus, spider, colombus... Could there be a theme emerging?

Almost There

The end of the first trimester dangles in the future -- near enough to get excited but far enough away to still worry. I was so nervous the first 4-5 weeks of the pregnancy, then it abated some in the excitement of sharing the news with family and close friends. But now it's back. I had horrible nausea last night and so was worried when I woke up this morning with practically none at all and hardly any appetite. How do I know everything's okay? I look forward to the day that some movement can convince me there's actually something alive in there.

Things have been down in our house. Wes is coming back from his illness and coming off nights, which has made his sleep schedule terribly odd. After being out late with a friend and getting up early at Lucy's behest, I also slept for several hours this afternoon, which has made me feel cranky and out of sorts. I reflected last night on the fact that one of the first things we're doing as expecting parents is looking for someone else to take care of our child. It's really depressing to think about. I know on a rational level that it's a reasonable choice. It will help our coffers and my career options to work at least part time next year, and I know the child will probably only be with someone else for 15-20 hours a week. Part of me thinks it will help me stay somewhat balanced, give me more to think about than an just the worries of an infant, keep me connected to other adults and interests. And the other part of me just sighs. I haven't felt particularly crazy from hormones yet. Maybe this is part of it -- or maybe it's just part of motherhood.