Where I Am, What I'm Learning

A dear friend recently introduced me to the phrase "intentional conversation" -- conversing about big things rather than the daily minutiae. Asking a loved one, "How are you feeling? What are you learning?" I try to do that periodically. Being reflective is a necessary element of effective teaching. But intentional conversation isn't just about being reflective. It's about digging deep into how you're growing as an individual.

As we near Oliver's first birthday, I've stopped to think about myself as a mother. How am I feeling? What am I learning? This has especially come to the surface recently as two dear friend near their due dates, in October and November, respectively. My relationships with them, especially with respect to their pregnancies, are very different, and that's okay. But it's make me think about parenting and mommyhood.

So here's my status as life as a mom: I love being a mom. It is as gratifying as I hoped it would be. It is, to be honest, not as hard as I worried it might be (and certainly will be at some point). What can I say -- I got a good kid. I think Wes worried when I was pregnant that motherhood wouldn't live up to my expectations, and I would find myself in a bit of a void, but it has been all I hoped and so much more. If someone asked me what being a parent was like in one word, I would say fun. Not the only word, not all the time, but by and large, so fun. People have often rhapsodized about children's sense of awe. I never totally got that working with teenagers. They're most skeptical than awe-struck. But having my own kid, I get it now. You don't remember this time in your own life to appreciate it, so I guess parenthood is a way to enjoy it.

Yet at the same time, my experiences thus far have also helped me make choices that will balance me down the road. I've made the choice to pursue a career, not just have a job, and in part that's because I see, already, how quickly my children will outgrow me. I'm such an all-or-nothing person that I would worry if I threw myself completely into my children and nothing else that I would not know who I was when they were grown and gone. This is not to say that stay-at-home moms go through this and working moms don't. I know plenty of stay-at-home moms, my own included, who had a very balanced sense of self during child-rearing and easy transition into empty-nesting, and plenty of working moms who didn't. I just know myself well enough to know that I need that something other -- not because my child isn't enough, but because I need that something other. While motherhood is something I longed for to be part of my identity, it's not "who I am." It cannot, like any other aspect of my identity, complete me. It is a huge, important, wonderful part of my life. It's just not all of it. And I wish every woman could make that decision for herself without feeling judged. I disclaim my decision to raise a child, hopefully children, and pursue a career, by saying, "This is what works for me, for now, I think." That's the best I can ever say. Who am I to decide what is right for someone else, at this moment, or to determine if they're really thinking straight.

One thing I've learned about motherhood is that there's a huge sense of being judged, and I think that's so sad. My mom and I talked recently about how great it would be for teachers, especially new ones, to constantly have an extra set of eyes in the classroom -- pointing things out, raising questions, developing awareness -- without it being evaluative. But most teachers, especially new ones, feel defensive when people make these observations. I wish moms could be eyes and ears for each other without hearing the "You're neglecting your child" behind the "It must be hard to be away from him so many hours in daycare."

I try, very hard, when I talk with pregnant friends not to push my decisions on them. One of my pregnant friends has asked me a lot of questions about books and methods and what I did and what I used. And I've happily, eagerly shared all of it because I'm so interested in pregnancy and childbirth and raising kids and love talking about. But I've tried (and hope I've been successful) to just be supportive and not pushy. I love my cloth diapers, and a few friends and family members I've shared them with have said they'd love to use them when they have babies. Great. But I'm hardly sitting here eco-damning those who don't. I wanted to experience labor and delivery without medication, and my body let me do it. Do I think less of a woman who says, "Epidural early and often"? Not at all. Don't get me wrong -- I'm human. I judge. Those thoughts of "not me, never" pass through my head. But I try to squash them, ask questions, understand, and leave people be.

What I hope for everyone, perhaps in all aspects of life but especially parenting, is that people are intentional in what they do. If you're going to nurse or not, did you make an informed decision that you think you'll be happy with down the road? If you're going to co-sleep or let baby cry-it-out, do have a rationale for why it works for you and him? And most importantly -- can you accept that no decision will be perfect, and are you willing to change your decision if you need to or you kid needs you to? I can want a career, but if something happened that truly necessitated me being home with my child 24/7, I'd do it in a heartbeat. Some things can wait, even if they'll be harder to attain later. Other things you only really get one shot at.

I might read this post in ten years and laugh at myself. If I ever come across, in this or any other post, as thinking that I have it figured out, don't let it fool you. The only thing I've figured out is that I don't have anything figured out. But I'm going to keep figuring -- thinking, pondering, reading, asking questions -- so I don't ever regret not thinking about it a little harder.